Knowing Love: COMMON RELATIONSHIP MISCONCEPTIONS

 

relmyth1Treszka:

A little jealousy can make a relationship healthy but too much jealousy is poisonous; the line between the two is very thin. How much is too jealous? There’s no definite way to measure jealousy. Sometimes, we think that the way we act is still normal but it’s often too late when we realize that it has become a part of us and a big part of our relationship. Do you feel like you can’t talk to a certain friend just because you fear your partner will get jealous? Do you feel like you can’t like a picture of the opposite gender because your partner might ask you why you like another person’s picture and not theirs? Do you feel like you are too tied to your partner? See, jealousy can result to many unhealthy things; it starts with a few “cute” arguments, and before you know it, certain friends are banned from your life and even social media accounts.

On my personal experience, being with Mark for almost 2 years (a very short time compared to others but this is something I am proud to share), we only fought about jealousy once and that was during our first few months. I can say that it was a healthy fight because there were no hurtful words, fear was not instilled in him and I learned a lot. I still admit that I did cause him to be jealous, although unintentionally. I learned how to guard our relationship. The problem never came up again after that. One thing I learned about love is, when at times you start to feel jealous but the love you feel for that person is stronger, you are able to fight jealousy. You would rather rid yourself of the negative thoughts and think of what is best for your partner. Hint: It is not best for him to feel like he is always being interrogated and NBI is controlling all his social media accounts. It is also probably not best for him to deal with all your insecurities almost every day. If a guy constantly gives you a reason to be jealous, break it. Seriously, the stress is not worth it. But if you are the one who just enjoys over thinking, and then, puts the blame on your partner, you need to slap yourself out of it. I am not only speaking to my sisters out there, but to you bruuuhs as well.

Mark:

I used to believe that the more you feel jealous, the more you love that person I used to be really jealous and it would result to not-so-beautiful things. I was very unreasonable and had set rules that were irrational. Even now that I am already a husband to Treszka, I realized that giving her the freedom to make her own decisions and never letting her be controlled by fear and existing “rules” shows more love than trying build bricks around her. You are not setting grounds for your relationship; you are doing it for yourself. Love is selfless. You can deal with jealousy without being officious. Tell her when you’re feeling jealous but give her the choice on whether she’ll continue with her actions or not. This will also be a way for you to see how much she truly cares about your feelings. You want to see how she feels genuinely and not act based on the rules you have set for her. If your partner loves you, she will never give you any reasons to be jealous. That is what I learned from my wife. I do not remember the last time I got jealous but when I was, I told her about it and she expressed how much I meant to her and apologized. She never made me feel that way again.

Some people get jealous for the wrong reason. They get jealous over the smallest things. For example, liking a friend’s (opposite sex) picture. That is not jealousy out of love; it is a sign of insecurity and selfishness. My wife barely gets jealous (Well, she playfully does when I put almost all of my time on Taziana. Hahaha. It is her way to jocularly show affection). Why? It’s because I never give her any reason to feel jealous. I make sure the girl I’m talking to knows that I am married, or I introduce her to my wife. I tell my wife everything just so she would have an idea who the girl is. This makes her trust me even more and gives her the assurance that there is nothing she should worry about.  Jealousy is really hard to beat when you don’t trust your partner. I know that sometimes, we worry of other people trying to flirt with our partner but remember that those things do not matter; what matters is how your partner will react to it. It might be kinda scary but it will show how much your partner really loves you.

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Treszka:

Oftentimes, this is true. It is absolutely normal to be worried and want the best for someone you love. But pause for a while; evaluate yourself and your relationship. Just like jealousy, this can also be related to selfishness. Do you really want what is best for your partner or is it because you are trying to change your partner? Are you trying to mold him into something you want him to be? Love is selfless.What does he want to be? What will make him happy? In reality, it will still be an individual’s decision. You cannot tell him what he can and cannot do. You can never, ever change a person. So cut the “he has changed because of me” act. There’s no such thing. You’ll end up thinking “What happened? He has changed so much. He’s not like who he was when I first met him” in the coming months. He’ll end up trying to paint you a nice but false picture. He’ll try to please you and try to be the best for you (because he loves you), but that won’t be true to who he really is.

Instead of trying to change him, just inspire him. Let me help you a little. If your man is fond of late night drinking, smoking, spending his entire time on computer games, etc., you can never guarantee that he’ll entirely change for you. He’ll end up lying to you because he wouldn’t want you to be upset. If you can’t handle his lifestyle now, you probably never will when you get married (marriage is the goal of dating right?).

Mark had his own habits when we just started dating; I have never forbidden him from anything. However, I constantly express how proud and happy I feel when I see him doing better. Slowly, over time, Mark has grown to be wiser. It is a slow and hard process but I just let him know that I am always here for him. He has changed not because of me, but because he found the best parts of him. I am just here to cheer him on when he succeeds and help him dust it off when he fails. I know that he is not perfect.

Mark:

Treszka has never restricted me from anything. It is me who restricts myself from doing things that I know will damage our relationship. My wife never tells me to stop playing online games or to stop going out with my friends. In fact, she lets me do anything I want. She lets me go out with friends if I want to (sometimes, she’s the one who encourages me to spend time with the boys) or play online games but I know my limits. I know that in the morning, I have to play the role of a husband and a dad. To me, that’s more important. Playing online games until sunrise is toxic (Yes, I used to play till 10AM and still attend my class without any sleep. Haha). The more time you spend on misdeeds, the less time you spend on things that really matter. Playing is now just a hobby for me; I would say that it used to be an addiction. Sometimes, I play a game or two, once I put my daughter and wife to sleep. And yup, Treszka would find it hard to sleep without me beside her. She enjoys little lullabies, too. Hahaha!

I know what it feels like to be in a very restricting relationship and I was extremely rebellious. I am glad that my wife made me realize that in a healthy relationship, there is freedom. It should be the person’s own call to cease actions that might be destructive to the relationship. Balancing your time is good not only for your love life but also for more important things; family & academics.

I do not restrict my wife on wearing revealing clothes. She asks for my opinion and I tell her if I don’t like it. I let her decide if she’s going to wear it or not. Whenever we go out and she is wearing something alluring (sometimes I just let her) and I see a lot of guys staring at her from head to toe, I tell her “Look at those guys staring at you”. Now, she still asks for my opinion but I have noticed that she has started making wiser decisions.

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Treszka:

I am guilty. Mood swings just seem like a girl thing. When I started dating Mark, though, I made sure to control myself. When I was pregnant (probably the most moody phase a girl could be), we never had problems with mood swings. I felt uneasy at times, of course. Half the time, my stomach would be aching, I felt extremely hot, I was always hungry, and I had morning sickness. But I thought to myself, it is not fair to release the stress on Mark. I was really careful with this.

However, our relationship is not immune to this problem. Just recently, this has been my struggle as a wife. I was easily agitated. My tone, my expression, my words- not very loving. But I love Mark so much and I want him to feel that every day. When I am being moody, I know it. Admit it, we all know when we are crossing the line. Sowhenever I do, I approach Mark, “Honey, I am sorry. I am troubled by something that’s why I have acted that way. A lot of things are on my mind. But I am wrong. I am sorry.” He accepts my apology and insists on helping me with my worries. Sometimes, I give him a warning “I am feeling extra sensitive today. Please try not to piss me off (hahahaha)”. I also pray for guidance. I am only human and I cannot overcome my sinful nature alone. I am also thankful for my husband because on days that I seem to be very moody, he never attacks me “Why are you so moody? You’re getting your period, right? What is wrong with you?” I never get such remarks from him. He would either just laugh at me then kisses me or he stays quiet and waits until I feel better (this is when he starts to get annoyed hahaha).

Mark:

My wife is really moody by nature but her moodiness never stirs up chaos. Sometimes, I don’t even know how I am able to handle them. Haha. Attending to a moody partner can be challenging because your own mood is sometimes affected too.When my wife is in a bad mood, I try to crack a joke to make the mood lighter. I call her out in an uncombative way. However, when my mood starts to get affected too, I just remain quiet and wait until she is ready to talk about what is disturbing her. I prefer being silent when I start feeling annoyed because my tone and my choice of words might change in a provoking way if I force her to open up about her anxieties instantly. Sometimes, it is also good to show affection even when your girl seems to be a little cranky. Some find it annoying but, it works.

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Treszka:

Would you accept the same reasoning from us? I have a lot of guy friends and I have heard this so many times. What makes you manlier is when you have the ability to run away from temptations. You cheapen yourselves with these statements. You don’t have standards and you are dead on the inside. Sorry, I am not sugar coating anything. If you truly love your girl, your focus wouldn’t be on what she gives you but on what you can provide for her.

You don’t have to touch another person to cheat. If you have been thinking of other women than her in a way you shouldn’t, then, you are pretty much on the way there. Be a man of worth.

Mark:

Avoiding temptation can be tough but it shows how virtous you can be. People around you will tell you “That’s okay, you’re a guy” but what makes a man more manly is when he sticks to one woman; loves her, cares for her and stays faithful to her. Temptation is everywhere; not only men face temptations, even girls do. Some people try to resist temptation but fail; you are not supposed to resist temptation, you are supposed to RUN AWAY from it. That’s how I deal with temptations. If you cannot resist it, why play with fire and stay? You can either splash water on the flame that is starting to build up or you can wait until it turns to a wild-fire that will burn you into ashes.When your partner knows that you can smoothly handle temptations, he/she will surely trust you.

 


Well, friends, these are the common misconceptions we have encountered and experienced as we were trying to get to know love. Our relationship is not perfect; it can never be. We are two imperfectly different individuals living together. You can never expect us to agree on everything 100% of the time. But even through the imperfections, we are glad to say that we are in a very happy relationship. 

 

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