Ooops oops opps! Let us not get ahead of ourselves. I believe that no amount of effort, beauty, or good character will be able to keep a man who does not want to be kept. If a person wants to wander, he/she will wander. That has nothing to do with us, that speaks more about them. And a good husband will know how to cherish his wife. That is an opinion I have developed through painful experiences in my past and beautiful experiences in the present. This is just me sharing how I personally handle my marriage. It’s not to make my husband fall in love with me- I know he already loves me unconditionally. It’s not to make my husband attracted to me- he’s always been attracted to me… I just want to keep it that way.
On the contrary of what others think, I believe that there is nothing wrong in wanting to be attractive for yourself and for the man you love.
Let me first tell you what attracting my husband is NOT:
- I will NOT change my character, my opinion, or my style only to please him. I am simply enhancing what I already have. I am always open for self improvement but not to a point of losing my real self.
- It is NOT all about physical attraction. Gorgeous women get their hearts broken every day. Deep attraction goes beyond physical attraction.
- It is NOT my main goal in my daily life. My main goal is to be pleasing to God, have confidence in myself, and to be happy. It’s just a bonus that Mark gets attracted while I am in pursuit of these goals.
Why I like keeping him attracted
When I think about it, I love it when Mark takes good care of himself. I love it when he acts with strength and independence. These qualities are so attractive to me. I love him no matter what he does but when he treats himself with respect and care, I am attracted. Love and attraction are different. So, it’s only rational for me to think that it is the same for Mark. He loves me unconditionally, even on my bad days, but he is also attracted to me when I know how to treat myself with care and respect.
When I take good care of myself, I am able to do more for my loved ones. When my spiritual, emotional, social, and physical well being is healthy… my marriage, daughter, and ministry also is! My main goal is to be able to take care of myself but when I achieve that, it branches out to more benefits- one is being captivating to my husband.
What Keeps Him Attracted
1. My focus is on the Lord
This is hands down the most important part of my heart. There was a season in our marriage when I placed my joy in Mark’s hands and things weren’t so pretty. I expected so much from him and that placed him under a lot of pressure. That time, it was as if I couldn’t be pleased by anything he does and I just kept wanting more and more. After a short while, the Lord interceded and rebuked my heart,
“Treszka, I love you. I love keeping you happy. I love being with you at every moment of your life. I love you more than any man ever will. So why do you place my own responsibilities in your husband’s hands? It’s not fair for him and it’s not fair for Me. I am here. What you have and what you will need, I am the provider for all of that. Focus on Me.”
Since then, the Lord has been my focus and I have truly made Him the King of my heart. It has always been God first- in my troubles, my fears, my joy, my peace, my everything, I call my Father first. It doesn’t mean I have completely excluded my husband from going through life with me. It just means I have lifted him off from all the responsibilities and roles that should have belonged to the Lord in the first place. The last thing I want to happen is for our beautiful marriage to turn into idolatry; turn into something that takes the place of God in our hearts.
Mark will always be my best friend but he can never play the role of God in my life. My security, identity, confidence, joy, peace, and faith will always be placed in the care of my Father.
Now, Mark is more joyful and less pressured in taking care of me. He knows that my heart ultimately belongs to the Lord yet takes pleasure in being the man the Lord placed in my life to guide me closer to Him. He doesn’t ever have to play the role of God in my life. Because of that, he is more excited to be the man of my life.
2. I am not too dependent on him
Don’t get me wrong, though. My husband and I are interdependent because that is God’s design for marriage. We are made differently for different roles and that creates harmony in our marriage. We don’t force to play the role of the other while neglecting our own responsibility. However, there are areas in my life that I can still handle on my own without depending on his presence or input too much. I love it when Mark is around but that doesn’t mean I will fall apart when he is not.
For example, I don’t depend on Mark for validation of self-worth and for joy. I am blessed to be married to a man who makes me feel very special but even on days he doesn’t re-affirm me, I know who I am as an individual and who I am in the eyes of the Lord.
When joy is placed upon any person or relationship, it is always at the brink of losing. The truth is, you and me, we are all imperfect. All people are imperfect; therefore, all relationships are too. When our joy is dependent on a person/relationship, we never seem to feel fulfilled. Because my joy (and Mark’s) is dependent on the Lord and who He says I am, I don’t break when storms come in our marriage. When Mark and I come to a disagreement, we could still respect each other and be kind to one another. We can also still pursue our days without distraction. Of course, when we aren’t okay, our hearts are burdened. But the point is, that burden is not heavy enough to make us lose ourselves and stop us from functioning well.
3. I still have my “me” time and time with friends
We spend a healthy of time apart. When Mark needs to go out to spend time with the boys, I don’t mind staying home. In fact, Mark knows what happens when I am left home alone. There could be three scenarios. One, I study for my quizzes. Two, I call for a home service massage, turn the music on, put my face mask on, and sleep. Three, I order Jollibee, buy ice cream, and have my “movie marathon and chill”. Well, whichever of the three I choose, when Mark is out, he knows I am not standing by the door, or rolling left and right on the bed waiting for him. He knows I am having fun with my own time. There was even a time when Mark went out of town for 3 days! So, I took myself out on a date! Yes! I had Thai food and went to the cinema by myself. I had so much fun and so did he.
I also don’t stop myself from seeing my friends. I make time and invest in growing my relationship with them. I politely tell Mark about my plans and coordinate baby duties with him. He knows how important it is for me to refresh my spirit by having a few hours with my friends. I just make sure to let him know that I’ll be having a fruitful time with my girl friends and I don’t always text while I am gone. I tickle his “I miss my wife” emotion a little. He likes it, so I am doing both of us a small favor. Hehe.
Most of my free time is definitely for family. But not ALL of my time is for Mark. I know how much time I (as an individual), my friends, my ministry, and the Lord (church, discipleship groups, etc) need. My marriage is always my priority but it is not all of who I am.
It will be quite unhealthy if our worlds revolved only around each other, if we didn’t know any life or relationship outside our marriage. My favorite part of this is whenever we are apart, Mark is always twice as sweeter than he already is! He keeps texting me and tells me how much he misses me and is excited to see me. And when we finally see each other again, I could see how happy Mark is while listening to my stories!
4. I work out and eat healthy
There are top three instances that make Mark extra attractive to me. When he is focused on the Lord, when he is taking full responsibility on his role as my husband and Taziana’s dad, and when he is taking good care of himself. That involves hygiene, dressing up properly, and most importantly- eating healthy and working out regularly. If I, as his wife, finds these characteristics attractive, it’s only fair for my husband to find me attractive in these circumstances, too. Why is it that it’s okay for us wives to want our husbands to be well-groomed, look like he works out 5 times a week, has good hair, smells good, and is dressed appropriately while we get upset when our husbands remind us how much they appreciate it when we exert effort in taking care of ourselves? It’s different when a man insults you regarding your appearance and it’s also different when he challenges you to become the better version of you.
I take care of my body for two main reasons: First, I want a strong body that would take me to where the Lord is calling me; a body that can go places without health being a hindrance. Second, it makes me happy. Being fit and healthy makes me happy. It’s a bonus that my husband appreciates that. My husband rarely compliments my physique. He is mostly focused in appreciating my character, efforts, beauty, and then my physique. But he did say that though he doesn’t talk about it much, it matters to him. Does he find me exciting and captivating? Yes, but he doesn’t emphasize much on that. He said he finds confidence in knowing that I love myself and that I will always prioritize my well-being (in terms of health) than settle for the comfort of living a sedentary lifestyle.
5. I make an effort to dress well and explore different make up looks
Just now, I asked my husband, “does it make a difference to you when I work out or when I exert an effort to fix myself (dress well, do my hair, etc)? Does that matter to you?”. He answered with, “Yes. Of course! Especially when you take care of yourself”. I asked again, “so it’s not about my physical appearance?”. He affirmed me, “No. It’s about knowing that you can take care of yourself which you already do”.
The attraction doesn’t come from how I look but from seeing his wife care about herself- her spiritual, emotional, social, and physical life. I dress according to the occasion, and according to my mood. Whether I wear pants or dresses, it will always be what I am most comfortable with. There are days when I want to look dainty, laid back, sophisticated, or just dress really casually. There are also days when I am up for a full make up, dark make up, or the “no make up make up”. But again, I choose based on what gives me comfort and confidence. What matters to me is that I always look well-groomed and prepared.
Just because I am already married, doesn’t mean I’ll stop working on myself. That happened once, during the first few months of my life as a mom. I couldn’t care less about myself because I just didn’t have the time. I was borderline malnourished, dark under eyes, losing a lot of hair. I had no concept of asking my family for help in taking care of Taziana. This had no direct effect on marriage but it really blew my self confidence. So, I was always down and moody, and that affected our marriage.
I want to be the kind of wife and mom who loves her family but also loves herself. Besides, what we give to our husbands and children is an overflow of what we already have in us. How can we give them love and take care of them if we can’t even do that for ourselves? We’ll either end up giving them less, giving them bad, or losing ourselves.
That’s it for now, guys. I hope this answered most of your questions. But, if there’s something else you want to talk about or if you want to get specific, you can always message me. Let’s have our “ladies talk”. How are you? How is your marriage? If you already have little ones, how is motherhood? Hehe.
Keep shining inside and out.