We have never hurt each other this way before.
This is another re-upload from my “facebook blog posts” so this one is more detailed. I wrote this on the second year of our marriage but I’m adding a few more things. Anyway, Mark and I don’t fight a lot. We’ve been together for 4 years now but I only have a memory of 3 actual “fights”. I call it a fight when the misunderstanding now involves pressure and an exchange of piercing words. Well, Mark usually doesn’t say much. I am the one who has tendencies to use words as weapon.
So, anyway, here is what actually happened.
I removed my ring as if saying I did not want to be married anymore. And Mark showed coldness he has never shown before.
Mark spent a night over his guy friends’ place. I thought it was also a good idea for him to wind off after doing lots of school work. However, we have committed our weekends as family time. We live and study 3 hours away from where Tazi is staying (in the province with my mom) so we agreed that weekends are blocked off for Tazi. However, since I wanted Mark to have a good time, I supported him. He joined his friends but he promised to be home at a certain time so that he wouldn’t miss a lot on family time. If you know me, I am very specific when it comes to time. I like planning and I block off my time according to the activities for the week. I don’t like it when it gets interrupted by insignificant things. Mark came home hours later from the time he promised and his excuse wasn’t even worth buying. Well, though the excuse wasn’t worth buying, my husband deserved an extension of patience and understanding. That didn’t happen because my pride was oozing. I’m not proud of that at all but I learned a great lesson with what happened and maybe you could, too. My emotions have gotten the best of me like it shouldn’t have. I am very guilty of that. I could have been more merciful and understanding of my husband and I could have extended my patience but my pride had me thinking how “I” have been wronged and how he didn’t consider “my” time so much. I was focused on myself.
I didn’t buy his excuse but I paid a high price for this lesson. We had to go through unnecessary stress because I wasn’t flexible in forgiving and understanding. Instead, I sent him a message telling him that it didn’t matter if he doesn’t come home for the weekend at all. Ughhh. Whenever I think of ever saying that, I just want to stuff my head inside a pillow! It feels so embarrassing to have treated my husband that way. True, my husband should have been firm in his promise. But I should also learn how to give mercy and grace from time to time because God gives me a lot of that every day, too. There are still commitments I do my very best to perfectly attend to but from time to time I still also fail and need mercy, forgiveness, and chances so I could try again and do better. I should have been like that towards Mark.
Right now I am holding my husband as he is slowly falling into a deep sleep after going through the toughest conversation we had our entire marriage. For a few years of being together, we never got into a fight that involved nerve wrecking conversations, tears and a handful of pride. It has always been smooth– painful but smooth. Today, it was different.
To think about it, the issue was so small that it shouldn’t have sprouted into a misunderstanding in the first place. But it did. The seed was a broken promise (AKA not being present on the time he promised) but what gave rise to the problem was my inconsideration and his negligence to sincerely apologizing. It could have been solved by a simple exchange of apologies but we resorted to something ugly: we ignored each other for a couple of hours and acted as if we couldn’t even see each other. And when we did start talking, the conversation was messy. But that’s over now.
When I finally broke down in tears & my husband’s heart suddenly changed. I thought he would keep on being stubborn but when he saw me break down, he immediately pulled me towards him and held me so close, saying “sorry” in the sincerest way he can. We tried to talk about it, but the more we did, the more it seemed like no one was willing to accept their own mistake. So I said, “let’s keep quiet and just lay down like this. Let’s say nice things to each other” it felt better. I felt safe again. We talked, and this time it was different. This time, we kept apologizing for our own mistakes.
Hahahhaha we never thought we’d be this dramatic. Umulan pa nga ng malakas plus kulog para dagdag dramatic effects HAHAHHA but kidding aside..
Now that we have cleared the fog off our minds, we can now clearly see why things have ended up so messy:
• We resisted God’s command of putting down pride. We felt pain and we harbored it instead of getting rid of it. We cuddled with it until it built up. Result? It has grown into a beast that was ready to devour our marriage.
• We resisted God’s design of a husband and a wife.
• We sought our individual interests rather than thinking of how we can both help each other grow. We were very self centered focusing on each other’s wrong instead of focusing on how we could make it right.
Who knew a little mistake in a text message and a slight delay in apology can cause pain we could have avoided in the first place?
The worst part of the conversation? It happened while our daughter was in the room. We never shout at each other or curse at each other. But the conversation was full of pride. Mark was putting her to sleep at that moment. She probably didn’t have an idea- but it was still very wrong for us to do this. No mind is too young or too mature to be exposed to their parents’ misunderstandings. We still resorted to personally apologizing to her & affirmed her that we loved each other and also love her beyond words. We asked for her forgiveness.
I thought of keeping this between us. “This might be too sad for the public”, I thought. in a way, I was embarrassed to even look back to this situation. But I am publishing this because of these realizations:
• Divorces do not happen because of big problems. They happen because of the small problems that couples welcome in their lives EVERYDAY thinking it would just go away. They don’t face them, they keep them. They grow it in their hearts until days, months, and years pass and the problems come out, inflicting pain in each member of the family (including children), and then we start thinking to ourselves “WHERE DID I GO WRONG?”
• When you are spiritually dry, everything else feels similar. Guess who has been neglecting devotions & skipped church (because Tazi got chicken pox)? 🙋still, we could have watched online streaming but nope, we stayed in our phones scrolling up and down social media accounts instead of being concerned of each other. This is where a “god centered” relationship comes in. Because by nature we are selfish, it’s God’s demonstration of unconditional love that inspires us to be selfless.
You will never know how much power your words have over your husband. Your voice inspires him to reach his dreams, work hard and provide, protect you and serve you. But it is also the same voice that makes him want to leave, the same voice that tells him he cannot achieve anything. Your voice can make a difference as big as making him feel like he is enough or make him feel like he is nothing. If you truly love your husband, what power would you want to give this voice? Will you give him life or death? It is crucial.
When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness..
No matter how strong your wives seem to be, she is still built and designed to have a soft heart for you and your family. Your role is not merely working and giving financial provision, you hold one of the biggest roles in the world: A LEADER. In your hands are entrusted a heart of a woman & the hearts of the children she will bear with you. You are holding the very lives of these hearts. You are molding individuals. Do you realize how different this world can be if only men in the family only knew the importance of his role?
For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.
Like any other trials we faced, we have surely learned from this one. Our bad side has surfaced for a moment, yet, we are reminded that as long as you lift all your struggles, worldly desires and pride to the Lord, He will work on you. By God’s grace, our relationship has not only been restored but given a beautiful bloom.
Lose your pride or lose the person you love.
PS. We are sharing this private matter to you because we learned the importance of killing the flame before it grows into a fire. I know how it feels to be in a broken family, I have seen almost everything. Marriages do not end in a snap. Divorces are usually a result of ignorance, it is a work of little pain and bitterness harbored everyday, until we wake up & suddenly… The house is empty. I hope this lesson we learned can also help you see how much it matters to deal even with the smallest problem you encounter in your marriage. The things that might not matter to you now may leave your heart broken in the future.
It has been more than a year now since I have written and published this post (on facebook). I am glad that this painful situation was used by the Lord to change my husband’s heart and mine. Truly, what makes a trial beautiful is when its purpose is served- when we learn and grow from it.
How are you? It’s been a while since I last published a new post and I think I’d be re-uploading more older blogs just so I have them all here on our website. But I hope we still get in touch. Always remember that I’m just always a message away.